Customers are like radioactive snowflakes; each unique, and every one a problem. Like radiation, which often has similar mutative or carcinogenic effects in those exposed, customers have a tendency to present their problematic natures in homogeneous fashions. If one had a mind to do so, one could find patterns in the chaos that is the retail customer base. I happen to be, so what follows is a brief, but (hopefully) helpful list of customer classifications, complete with ways to spot the customer type in question and methods to employ in dealing with them, getting them quickly out of the store, and out of your life.

A.K.A.: Mr(s). Grumpy, Mr(s). Trivial, "Oh crap here comes that guy/lady"

Distinguishing Features: Scowl, arms crossed (or akimbo), general air of malevolence (look for dark, swirling clouds outside just as they enter the store)

M.O.: This customer is never happy. They enter the store with a furrowed brow, and bark at any associate who offers to help them (the associate's job, after all, is to swindle customers, right?). Everything is a source of grief. The store's selection is not wide or varied enough, or the shelves are not stocked well enough. There are not enough employees to satisfy their needs.

"This grocery store doesn't have a proper selection of shoes!" they hypothetically exclaim. "I don't know why I even come to this stupid place!"

Good point; why do they come to this stupid place? The reason is more obvious than you may think. They like to complain. See, people, for the most part, live very small lives. They work eight hours a day, come home to the family, eat, watch television, and go to bed. There is, of course, nothing wrong with a pleasant, ordinary life, but at some point certain people begin to feel small and powerless. They've lived their entire lives being ordered around by a boss, a teacher, a parent, or any other authority figure you can name, and have consequently developed a need to channel their frustration toward someone they feel they can acceptably treat as an inferior. Retail associates are obliged by their management to listen to a customer's complaints and nod and smile as though they care, and forcing them to do so makes the chronic complainer feel empowered. Therefore they seek out or even fabricate reasons to complain. Obviously, this makes appeasing the customer difficult, as solving their problem will actually leave them with less to complain about.

How to deal with them without getting fired: The old phrase "kill 'em with kindness" is fitting in dealing with many types of customers, and the chronic complainer is no different. In my experience, chronic complainers will back down from their complaints, even if only just enough to weaken the foundations of their positions, when presented with their triviality. This is best done through stark sincerity, as in the following scenario:

CC: "This store doesn't have green work socks! I can't believe you wouldn't have green work socks!"

Associate: "Oh, sir, I apologize! I'm terribly sorry that our store's sock selection has inconvenienced you so. Is there anything I can do to assist you with your sock-shopping needs and help you through this problem?"

That's the kind of language your manager tells you to use with a customer. Can you help it if, in this sort of situation, it causes a customer to realize that they're an obnoxious, loud-mouthed jerk? Hardly.

A.K.A.: Scam artist, Con man, Mr(s). Gimme Stuff

Distinguishing Features: Smirk, discerning expression punctuated by eyes full of ignorance

M.O.: This customer differs from the Chronic Complainer in the same way that anyone is distinguished as "professional" from anyone who is not. This customer does not complain for the joy it brings. They do it for money. This is the guy who scours a product for imperfection so he might demand a discount. The customer who is willing to overlook the fact that the cheap product they (supposedly) wanted is out of stock, but only if they're given a more expensive version for the lower price as a substitution. Every Professional Complainer's dream is to walk down the frozen food section at the grocery, find a place where some ice has spilled out, and charge over it, cracking their skull just enough to be set for life when the corporation settles. Sometimes you can, therefore, spot this type of customer by looking for the more dangerous areas of the store -- say a wobbly light fixture on the ceiling -- and seeing which customers are standing around with a hopeful look in their eyes, waiting for the thing to fall.

How to deal with them without getting fired: A fun way to deal with the Professional Complainer is to first find a solution to their problem, preferably before even speaking with them about it. Then speak to them, and once they've insisted the only way to solve the problem is with monetary remuneration, hit them with the solution. They'll squirm and stammer and struggle for a reason to still get that discount, and you can sit back with your very professionally helpful face, content in knowing you'll have one for the books once they're gone. This method is exhibited in the following scenario:

PC: "This store doesn't have green work socks! I can't believe you wouldn't have green work socks!"

Associate: "Oh, sir, I apologize! I'm terribly sorry that our store's sock selection has inconvenienced you so. Is there anything I can do to assist you with your sock-shopping needs and help you through this problem?"

PC: "Well, I'll take the black work socks if you'll give me half off the price."

Associate (suddenly revealing a package of green work socks): "Well sir I...oh, why, here are some green work socks now! I guess you can just buy these!"

PC: "Well...I...yes...but...those aren't the right shade of green!"

Do what you like from there. The damage to the customer's credibility is done, and you can smirk smugly for the rest of the day.

A.K.A.: That jerk who's holding up the line, Mr(s). Obnoxious Ringtone, [chirp chirp!]

Distinguishing Features: A cell phone. All the time. Possibly actually growing into their head.

M.O.: For many, the cellular phone is a useful tool for communication. For this customer's cell phone, the customer himself is a useful tool for transportation. It started innocently enough, enjoying the freedom a cell phone brings, being able to talk to anyone at any time. Then they got a better contract with way more minutes, and found that they never really had to get off the phone. Gradually, airwaves and radiation from the phone itself cooked this customer's brain, and as a matter of muscle memory, they kept the phone pressed against their ear. The two became one, the customer's ear eventually growing to become a permanent part of the phone.

At least this is the best justification I can think of for someone who would hold up a line a dozen people long at the cash register so that they can TALK ABOUT WHATEVER INANE CRAP THEY DID LAST NIGHT WHILE EVERYONE WAITS FOR THEM TO SHUT UP AND PAY AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STORE!!!

Ahem.

How to deal with them without getting fired: It's not polite to interrupt someone's conversation! So if your customer is on the phone, why should you be so rude as to try to speak to them? Let them know how polite you're being, too. "Oh, sorry, didn't realize you were on the phone...next customer please?" Eventually they'll realize that if they want something from you, they're going to have to put the phone away. Of course, some stores -- more independently operated ones, rather than the corporate outlets with spineless, customer-pandering management staffs -- have actually started posting signs to let people know that if they need to talk on the phone more than they need to perform a business transaction, that's just what they'll get to do. If you work in such a store, enjoy the freedom.

A.K.A.: The Arrogant Veteran, Mr(s). Ten Years Ago

Distinguishing Features: Wearing anything but khaki and a collared shirt

M.O.: This customer used to work retail, so he knows how things work...circa 1997. Things change, and while not necessarily everything this customer knew back then is different now, the things that aren't he doesn't quite remember correctly. Even those things he does have accurate knowledge of only seem to give them license to be pompous jerks. Take for example the following:

Associate: "Sir, your credit card isn't working. Let me try punching it in manually."

FRA: "Oh, no, I used to work on a P.O.S. like that one. You've just gotta punch F2 F3 shift enter."

Associate: "Um...the function keys don't actually do anything on this particular P.O.S. If I could just -- "

FRA: "What are you, new? It's F2 F3 shift enter. I did this for like six months during high school."

Associate: "Well, I do it now."

And therein lies the bizarre thing. Many of us intend to get out of retail and never look back. For my part, when I finally get out, I have no intention of ever going to a big chain store again. If I live in the middle of Wyoming and there's nothing but mountains and a supermarket for a hundred miles, I'll hunt damn bears for food and clothing. And there are some who do go back in, and use their knowledge for good, by being courteous to the store's associates and helping themselves unless extenuating circumstances render them unable to do so. Then there's this crowd, who goes in, proud to be the retail veteran, and hoping to use this knowledge to prove to any associate they can how impressive their experience is. If they were allowed, they would get behind the counter and ring up the purchase themselves. All I'm saying is that anyone who gets out of retail and remembers it fondly has a few problems that need to be worked out. It's not retail therapy they need (ba dum tish).