United States Attempts to Return Louisiana Purchase, Has No Receipt

Friday, May 7, 2010

Washington

We've all experienced buyer's remorse.  But few individual shoppers can claim regret on the scale now felt by the nation of the United States of America.  On April 30, 1803, the US purchased a 2.14 million square km tract of land known as Louisiana from France.  And Thursday, they attempted to return the product to its point of sale.

The cost of the transaction, known as the Louisiana Purchase, was 5 cents per acre, for a total cost of $15 million (roughly $283 million in today's money).  At the time, this was considered an incredible deal.  But Thomas Jefferson, the United States' executive in charge of purchasing at the time, did not account for hurricanes, faulty levy systems, or oil spills.  In their defense, neither Mr. Jefferson nor the good people of present-day Louisiana could have seen this coming.  Who knew the state was defective, an apparent magnet for natural and man-made disasters?

Thursday, President Obama dispatched Secretary of State Hilary Clinton to Paris with the deed to the land purchased by Mr. Jefferson, intent on completing the return.  However, at the French customer service counter, Mrs. Clinton was informed that the French return policy clearly states that no returns can be made without a receipt.  Mrs. Clinton, offering her apology, explained that the receipt had actually been left in the pocket of Thomas Jefferson's pantaloons in 1809, and had accidentally been put through the wash.  

France expressed their regrets, but stuck firmly to the policy.

After making something of a stink over the issue, France called in their manager to deal with Mrs. Clinton.  The manager explained that while the receipt policy was within his power to override, their 30-day return policy was not, and it had been two hundred and seven years.  Mrs. Clinton inquired about France's "no lemon" policy, a rule common to many retail stores and that will often be invoked to override any and all return policies.  The French manager explained that the country's "no lemon" policy was really a literal ground-rule referring to the fact that, due to climate issues, the country does not, in fact, produce any lemons.

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“Let me speak with your manager!”

To console the irate customer, France suggested that the US call tech support and see if their product could be repaired or serviced.  On this suggestion, the US contacted the manufacturer, only to learn that Louisiana was past warranty, and could only be repaired at a cost.

A senate subcommittee has now been formed to decide the next course of action.  Several options are being considered, but an inside source claims they are leaning toward selling the territory on eBay.  

It would, after all, be cheaper than actually fixing it.