Things you never knew, never realized, or just never wanted to know about your retail shopping experience.

1) "I'll never shop here again!"

Good! This threat, or it's numerous variations (i.e. "I'm going to shop at that other store," or "I'll just take my business elsewhere"), are never spoken by pleasant, reasonable customers. This is always the last resort of a patron who has seen that they will not get their way. The beaten, torn, soiled pair of pants they purchased last year and have brought back in without a receipt, and demanded a refund for, can't be returned? Then they're never coming to this store again! You get the idea. All associates just nod their heads and, later, roll their eyes about such a threat; managers may smile a bit more, but in the end, every employee in earshot feels the same way. If you're going the act that way, no one wants you in their store. And if you really do keep your oath not to return -- and customers seldom do -- the store's staff will be quite relieved. You've just made their lives that much better.

2) The Back Room

In brief, that mystical, magical realm in which retail customers believe all the items not accounted for on the sales floor shelves are lying in wait for their purchase needs, does not exist. Most retail stores do have a "back room", also known as "recieving", where shipments are recieved (thus the name). However, in most cases, once this inventory is computer in the store's system, the inventory is then stocked in the store itself. There are stores, such as some shoe stores, which purposefully keep the majority of their stock behind the scenes. This is because there is not room to keep everything on the floor itself. Those things which do have room -- such as notebooks at an office supply store, oranges at the grocery store, or 99% of other stores' stock -- are kept out in the open where people can purchase them. When those areas are out, the store is out. They are not hiding them anywhere. It would in fact be counterproductive and bad for business to horde inventory, so what business is going to build a store with a place for such a thing?

3) Counter/Starter Checks Are Not Accepted Anywhere

Okay, so this is a bit of an overgeneralization. However, it is true that most, or at least a great many stores do not accept starter checks or counter checks. For anyone who does not know, these are checks that a bank gives to a new account before checks have been printed with the new customer's information. They will generally have the account's routing information, but without a name, address, or phone number. Therefore, any store that likes to practice verification of a customer's identity when they use a check or credit card -- and this is most stores -- will not take such a check. And while we're on the topic, most larger retail stores use computerized cash registers that are connected to a network with programs that enforce such rules as this. So if a cashier tries to run a starter check, the system will automatically reject it. So no amount of arguing or begging is going to get your check accepted.

4) Checkbooks Piss Everyone Off

Let's keep talking about paying by check. Below is a list of rules of ettiquette for paying by check:

1) Do not pay by check.

This is really the most important thing you need to know. Now, if you come, by some strange chance, from a rural area with a bank that does not yet issue debit cards with checking accounts, and you have no access to cash, and you do not have a credit card, and you come to the big city to purchase something at a retail outlet, here is a list of rules to follow:

2) Know where your checkbook is when you approach the counter. Do not pull out your purse to begin the hunt after the purchase has been scanned and you've been asked for money.

3) Start filling that check out before you are expected to hand over payment. If not before, you should know what store you're shopping in when you walk through the front door. Chances are very good that you also know what day it is, so everything but the total can be filled out while the cashier rings up your purchase. This minimizes wait time for the cashier and that line of people forming behind you.

4) Insure that you actually have a check in your checkbook.

5) If you have written a bad check at this store before, it's probably not a good idea to try again.

6) Be prepared to show ID. Chances are you will be asked to do so.

7) If any of these rules are problematic for you, see rule number 1.

5) Associates Do Not Care About Sales

Managers often get paid healthy bonuses when annual sales are good. And to an extent, most associates are aware that good sales will keep a store open, and an open store can continue to employee them. But on a general, sale-to-sale basis, no retail associate cares about your money. They are not going to show you the more expensive item simply to gouge you on the price. They are not slandering the cheap version simply because they want you to spend more. The average retail associate doesn't give a damn whether you spend $5,000 or 5 cents in the store, and in fact would often prefer the letter. Really, most associates would prefer that you didn't come in at all, as life would be infinitely simpler that way. Either way, the point is that, with very limited exceptions, no one is trying to cheat you. So ease off it, take the product advice of those who are paid to give it, and for God's sake stop making accusations.

You should also keep this in mind when you go threatening to take your business elsewhere. You're not hurting anyone's feelings.

6) Associates Have Nothing to Do With the Manufacture of Your Products (also, they're not tech support for them)

Sometimes products don't work. Defective products are a part of life, and the retail shopping experience. The fault lies somewhere between the factory and the recieving dock, but drops off far before it reaches any retail store associates. The associate at the customer service desk will generally be happy to take the product back and exchange it for you, or give a refund, so long as it would be well within the store's policy to do so. It is therefore a waste of everyone's time when you go to the store angry about something that is broken or not working, or in many cases, which you simply do not know how to operate. They didn't make the product, they didn't package the product, they didn't process or ship the product. Their job is to answer your endless questions about it, and then to take your money before you walk out the door with it. That's all.

You should also recognize that retail store associates are not paid or generally even qualified to provide tech support for the products you purchase from them. If you purchase a printer at an office supply store and something isn't working, the tech support hotline provided by the printer's manufacturer (whose number is on the box) should be your first step in seeking assistance with your product. Should you be out of warranty, there are repair people who make a living fixing things. And yet, time and time again, customers resort first to hauling the dirty, broken product into the store where they purchased it, setting it down at the nearest checkout counter, and demanding service. Should you try this, be prepared for the quizzical looks you receive. You have them coming.

7) Associates Have Nothing to Do with Setting the Prices of Your Products

Products at retail stores are priced based on the cost extended to the stores by the vendors who manufacture the products, with a markup to cover operation and payroll costs determined by pricing analysts at the top floor of the corporate home office. These prices generally pass over the desk of the C.F.O. or C.O.O., who most likely delegates the task of approving them to an executive in c charge of these things. They are then sent to the internal imaging department who produces the price tags, labels, and signage. This signage is sent to the stores, whose management dispenses it to associates, whose job it is to put it on the shelves. At no point -- and this is key -- are the retail associates you deal with during your shopping experience consulted on the price of the items in the store. They have no say whatsoever in pricing for the store. If a number of associates were to send comments in to corporate suggesting a different price for a particular item, no one would listen. In fact, if the entire retail store staff of the company were to march to the corporate office and demadn the price of milk be lowered by ten cents, the most reaction they'd be likely to get would be a mass firing, and more likely, they would simply have the doors locked to prevent the delicate top brass from having to interact with their underlings.

8) You Are Lazy: the Service Sector Explained

When you go somewhere to have someone do something for you, you have stepped into the service sector. Now, this is not the same as standard retail. You are not going to be taking something off a metal hook and taking it to a cashier for purchase. Rather than paying for products, you are going to be paying professionals to do things for you. These are things that you either do not know how to do, do not have the time to do, or simply do not want to do. Included among these services are the following: everything they do for you. Be prepared to pay for all of these services. Do not assume that anything is free. As established in article 7 above, the associates assisting you are obliged to charge certain prices. They are not empowered to negotiate these fees. As etablished in article 5 above, they don't want to gouge you; they are just doing their jobs. If you're in one of the copy centers at one of the big office supply chains, be prepared to pay for all the binding, folding, or stapling they do, and if you bring a thousand papers to copy, with a staple every five pages, and in some cases more than one staple per set, with paper clips and rubber bands abounds, expect to be charged extra for being a pain in the ass. If you go to the grocery store's bakery and request a customized cake, with a photo of your nephew, expect to be charged extra when you ask the bakery clerk to hand-write your text in a specific font, and for those extra boxes of candles you requested. If any of the charges or fees are a problem for you, your alternative is simple: do it yourself.

9) They, too, Think Extended Warranties Are a Waste of Money.

Many big box retail stores offer extended warranties on their products. These are those deals where you can pay an extra $5 for the right to bring your product back past the store's return policy if something breaks, whether through ordinary use, acts of God, or acts of frustration when you can't figure out how to make it work and decide the answer must be a hammer. Retail associates are obligated to offer you these warranties. It is their job to do so. Sometimes, they are even offered miniscule cash incentives for selling them to you. Now, in some cases, these are not a bad idea to purchase. If you're going to be using your laptop on the job, and your job happens to be construction, it's not necessarily a bad idea to pay an extra $50 to insure the thing. In most cases, however, they are a serious waste of money, designed only to generate extra margin on such products. Please know that retail associates recognize this. They don't want to hear your objections, or about that study you read which decried such offers. They want a yes or a no, and for both of you to get on with your day afterward. Try to avoid angry responses to these offers, and please remember that no one is trying to rob you.

10) The Manager Thinks You're Stupid, Too.

If an associate is rude to you, or more often, if you percieve this to be the case, or if you are unable to get your way through normal means, you may feel the need to demand the company of the store's manager. That manager is often empowered to give you what you want to shut you up ("make you happy"), and will generally do so given how much easier it is than trying to explain to you why something you bought five years ago can't be returned under the thirty-day return policy. If you don't get it, no amount of explaining will help. Now after you've gone into the store and acted like a complete jackass, demanding this and that from the store's manager, and walked out with some measure of satisfaction, you may feel pretty good about yourself. But please remember this: the manager thought you were every bit as big a jerk as the associate before them did. Chances are once you left they had a good laugh about it, while frustratedly cursing the day you were born. The other customers in the store who dealt with those employees after you probably appologized for you, saying something along the lines of, "we're not all stupid and angry jerks!" Not that this helps all that much, but still.